...aint a woman alive that can take my mama's place

..there are so many times looking back when I was so afraid, and then you come to me and say to me I can face anything. I always use a lyric to title my blog and use a different one as an opening sentence or phrase because music is a great way of expression and communication. With 99 days left until I graduate from the Illustrious North Carolina Agricultural and Technical State University, I was thinking about all that my mom and dad have done for me these 4 years. I also thought about who was missing during these 4 years and how they have crawled through the wood works with their expressions of happiness for this supposed success. I also thought about all those people who hated me for being different than them and made funny remarks because I talked proper, and wore my clothes a certain way, and even because I wasn't black enough because i wanted to educate myself and not be a product of my environment. All those people are saying to me today, "I am soooo proud  of you" and "Wow didn't that time fly by" or "I always knew you were going to make it" but why be proud when its convenient? You're so proud of me but you never pick up the phone to tell me happy birthday...this time flew by but not once did you ask my parents if they needed help to pay for tuition and you just knew i would make it but always made broken promises about what you wanted to do for me! I never asked anyone for a handout and neither did my parents because they worked hard to pay for me to go to school and they worked even harder to prepare me for life after May 7, 2011. I wish sometimes, that I could tell these people that i knew i would make it without you. I want them to know God made a plan for me and no where in it was their name. I just want to ask them..why do you hate me so much for doing everything you couldn't do? Why do you hate the people in my life they sacrificed so i could be better? Why do I have to be the bigger person all the time because you still don't know how to be? On graduation day...I really wish some of these people would just tell my mother thank you! Thank you for providing me with the best life possible...Thank you for showing me God..even though we don't call him by the same name. She did all those things going past her call of duty. I appreciate her and all that she continues to do because she is the best example to me, along with my grandma! I really cant explain how much i absolutely love my grandmother. She really is one of my best friends and she would give me her last penny if it could ensure my a greater life. She lives to make her grandchildren and children and daughters in law better and no one could ever take her place. But on May 7,2011...i just hope and pray everyone can show appreciation for who got me where i am..i don't want the praise and the well wishes. Thank them for allowing me to get here. [signed Peyton Blake..appreciative]

..but i"ll trust you Lord you have never failed me

...after you tried everything else..try me. God speaking. I've tried being mad at the world..I've tried being mad at the people who did me wrong..I've tried to pretend that i wasn't hurt at all...and i even tried to eliminate the people from my conscious mind totally where i almost believed it never even happened...and none of that has worked. But i didn't try God...well that's not exactly true..i have tried God just not long enough to get a result. This post is something I would write in my diary. Not post apart of my blog..but im sure their are many guys and girls who have dealt with the same things or have put someone through this rainy disposition. No matter what you call your God..His purpose is to provide comfort and assurance through your toughest times and hold all the glory and praise through the greatest times of your life. But what about in the between time? Do we only call on him when we are in trouble, trying to bargain with Him for a greater outcome or result? Does He bring us through these situations and we forget all that we said we wouldn't do if he granted us success? Or do we blame God for the trials in our life because we don't see faults in ourselves? What ever the case may be...trying God all the time would eliminate a lot of the slander going on through churches, mosques, synagogues, and college campuses. We put all these things before God but so quick to call on him when everything of this world fails us. I've been trying to find the first step in forgiveness of other people when i have to forgive myself first. Forgive myself for placing a person above everything i say i believe in. Acknowledge that these situations were put in my life as humbling experiences. Walking around like my life is golden..and making it seem that I had it all...when that wasn't the case. These trials were designed to enable my faith..faith in myself to get through and my faith in all i say i believe in. An invitation to Life...bad decisions..poor faith...unfit people..are all invitations to life. All those are ways to make you unhealthy..but overcoming those are invitations to life. But its our job to finally open that letter and apply the rules to our everyday life... so God grant me the serenity to accept the things i cannot change, courage to change the things i can, and the wisdom to know the difference.[signed Peyton Blake...leaning on the Lord]

...best friends become strangers

I had a topic i wanted to talk about before this one but because it just was brought to my attention i will allow my readers into my thoughts on this topic. Lets start with why outsiders to situations are always so quick to jump to the aid of the bad guy and leave the victim to just get over a situation..oh yea until it happens to them! A&T is like a soap opera with out the cameras. Their is always something going on at this school that you would think getting an education came after finding a man or a relationship to wreck. Maybe because im selfish and i don't share or maybe because i know im worth more than having to share myself and my relationship with other people is the reason why i am one of the only people to see anything wrong with bitches that think its ok to interfere with someones relationship. (bitches are used for males and females in this context) Now i don't believe a bitch could wreck a home that was complete..but being the demolition person entitles you to take all blame. But blame is also on the bitch in the relationship that couldn't own up to wanting to be set free to roam the birds nests in the neighborhood. Its simple. just say goodbye! But it doesn't end there...then LIE when you are confronted about their indiscretion?! Be an adult about your dirt...you wanna be unfaithful, you want to lie..then own up to it. Say you did it..say you aren't sorry because you did exactly what you wanted to do. Tell the world maybe i am sorry..and low down and have no respect for myself. Maybe i don't know how to be in a successful relationship because all the relationships i have ever witnessed have been unsuccessful. My parents never showed me how to treat people and i never asked. Maybe because im living in the shadow of another person is the reason i don't know how to be myself. I will continue going on with life hurting people before they can hurt me. Those are just a few reasons why a person wouldn't know how to own up to their faults is my guess...I admit when I'm wrong even though i hate saying I'm sorry but its apart of growing up and becoming mature. We are about to enter the real world outside of college and wouldn't it be something if college not only taught us about our prospective majors but how to treat people. And how to have healthy relationships with people. No just boyfriend and girlfriends but friendships and relationships with professors and upperclassmen and underclassmen interactions. The title wouldn't be so prevalent on how best friends become strangers.. [signed Peyton Blake holding on to a stranger]

...i tried and tried to forgive you

...and its all because you lied! RESENTMENT..a beautiful song by Beyonce Knowles-Carter that was written during the making of Dreamgirls. I don't know if anyone else sees the irony between dream girls having resentment for those people in their lives that they felt were important enough to be the girl of that persons dream. We all search and some have found that person of our dreams but others are living a fairytale life without a leading actor for the knight and shining armor part. Some of us have THOUGHT we found that person or persons but ended up short. So this brings me back to... FORGIVENESS! I think we hold people to such a high pedestal that when they do disappoint us we are so heart broken. So i got to thinking (i think from time to time).. what if God judged us how we judge each other. Imagine if after ONE screw up He would completely be threw with us.Although i don't believe i have ever done anything that bad to a person where they don't want to even know if i exist anymore...i have lost friends over never being able to forgive. I still don't know where to start at to begin to forgive a person but we all make mistakes and some things i feel should never happen but who am i to judge someone especially if i haven't even tried to forgive them? I want to set my heart free..and escape this burden i hang over peoples heads because i feel that they owe me an apology (even tho it is common courtesy) because it will allow me to fully control my life. I don't know anyone who has a grudge against me because of something i did wrong...but i would love to hear what they have to say about why they think im such a monster. [signed Peyton Blake..on a road to forgiveness] 

..i cant play a fool anymore

Goodbye game...Chrisette Michele...why am i so forgiving? I asked this question to myself once before and tweeted about it and a follower told me its good to be forgiving. And we dont forgive people for them..we forgive them for our own sanity. But to forgive someone..what does that truly mean? Does it mean that we forget what was done and go on with life as if it never happened or do we use it for development for the next situation that may seem similar to the previous? Im not sure what forgiveness really means but i typed in forgive on dictionary.com and it told me that to forgive someone is to pardon an offense or to cease to feel resentment. So i guess its safe to say that if you resent someone than its no way you could have forgiven them huh?! if having resentment for the person who wronged us has to be eliminated from our feelings to forgive someone than do we ever really forgive people for what they have done? So what is the first step to forgiving someone? I have a hard time with accepting that people aren't who i expect them to be... I know I am not perfect and I'm sure I've hurt a few feelings in my day or said something i should not have but i don't understand why people play games. I mean why not just tell people what your intentions are so feelings are spared and time isn't wasted? Is that really too hard to ask..i've been told that i am mean or a nice mean person, or an asshole but i don't believe in lying to people to make them believe a certain thing or feel a certain way. So after it is all said and done why do people expect to be forgiven for creating something they could have prevented had they just been honest from the beginning? This is why i don't know the first step in forgiving someone for what they have done because its like was this the intention you had... just trying to begin forgiving people if only i knew where to start. [signed Peyton Blake..wanting to forgive]